"The true gentleman is friendly, but not familiar." - CONFUCIUS

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

SWAMPED: P.R. TIPS FROM AN EDITOR TURNED PUBLICIST (Unsigned)

In an uncommon moment of generosity, neo-publicity uber-mogul James Dunn of quasi-publicity mega-firm Dunn Deal PR has graciously agreed to publish his patented, foolproof, rap artist press-kit biography template for the readers of Unsigned. Previously bestowed upon artists only after exorbitant consulting fees and at least three very expensive lunch meetings, this legendary text is finally available in its entirety for free. Simply add your personal information in the blanks, use the sentences that you feel best describe you in the order you choose for that personal touch, and you’ll have enough text for the first paragraph of your bio. And you can put anything you want in the other paragraphs, because nobody ever reads past the first paragraph of an artist bio anyway!


SENTENCE 1
• Brace yourself and your loved ones for the unmistakable talents of (ARTIST NAME), here to take the entertainment world by storm.
• Prepare to get your face partially caved in by the sledgehammer sounds of (ARTIST NAME), poised to capture the rap scene with a blinding vengeance.
• So swift on the microphone that at times he seems lyrically invisible, the man born (GOVERNMENT NAME) is on a mission to bring real skills back to the AIDS-infected cesspool that the hip-hop game has become.

SENTENCE 2
• Life has not been easy for this native of the bullet-shredded alleyways of (HOMETOWN), but like the late ghetto poet Tupac Shakur, (he/she) continues to survive and strive “against all odds”.
• Hailing from the blood-soaked streets of (HOMETOWN), life has been one roundhouse kick to the mouth after another for this self-described “urban survivalist”.
• A former heavy metal singer and kindergarten teacher is the last person you’d expect to find rocking the mic with the vengeance of a wise, vengeful shogun, but when the emcee in question is from the roomy college town of (HOMETOWN), you can expect them to be “anything” but ”run-of-the-mill”.

SENTENCE 3
• “I feel like this album is my first opportunity to show fans the real me,” the outspoken player exclaims about (NEW ALBUM NAME), an addictive blend of hard-hitting rhymes served over speaker-pureeing beats that was recently released to hardcore love from the illest and realest magazines on the stands.
• “I think I grew a lot artistically on this record,” the rough-and-ready flowmeister relates when asked about (NEW ALBUM NAME), an intoxicating potpourri of no-frills lyricism laid atop trunk-suplexing productions that has been received with rapturous critical acclaim from bloggers and southern rap fans alike.
• “I don’t just want to make hip-hop music. I want to make music, period,” the mysterious microphone practitioner states on the subject of (NEW ALBUM NAME), a minimalist cacophony of soul-maiming flows and forward-thinking soundscapes that dropped recently to a stupefying response amongst the avant-garde pop culture cognoscenti.

SENTENCE 4
• (ARTIST NAME) is a breath of fresh air in the public toilet that is the contemporary rap scene. Consider you’reself warned. [Punctuation error included, for when you want to give your biography that “grassroots” feel.]
• (ARTIST NAME) is a gust of warm wind through the Antarctic no-man’s-land of modern hip-hop. Don’t say you weren’t properly notified.
• (ARTIST NAME) is a shot of pure adrenalin in the dying donkey that is today’s record industry. Welcome to the next level of rhythm and poetry.

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