"The true gentleman is friendly, but not familiar." - CONFUCIUS

Monday, May 18, 2009

SO, CALIFORNIA'S KINDA SCREWED




MAN. ONE THING THE TITANIC COULD HAVE USED MORE OF WAS BUCKETS. I mean, 86 buckets or 144 buckets or however many buckets they already had on board for the janitors probably wouldn't have been enough to turn that whole 'sinking to a watery grave' thing around. But just imagine if they had, like, 20,000 buckets! A whole floor of nothing but buckets, and everyone could have just grabbed one each and pailed ass until the ship just, I dunno, stopped sinking? And yeah, OK, that huge hole in the hull would still have been there, but with 20,000 buckets they could have shoveled out so much water that there would be no water left in the ocean and everyone could have just walked home along the sea floor from the middle of the Atlantic. Dude, nothing's impossible. And I don't think you understand how many buckets 20,000 buckets is. That's a lot of buckets.

Today, California is having what poiticians call a 'special election'. You may know these kinds of elections better as the ones where you're not voting for people but propositions: you know, those laws that sound like apartment numbers and aren't really laws yet? Normally they're about interesting issues such as whether gay people have the right to walk their dogs or not, but sometimes they're about really boring stuff, like how many paper clips the Oakland School District should not receive this year, or how many extra buckets we can add on to the state budget. When the propositions get boring, we're in big trouble, because it means the government is doing whatever it can to spend less, and if there's one thing Ahnuld hates to do, it's spend less. Well, the propositions on deck today are so boring I could hardly be bothered to read them properly. The most I could gather is that we're now down to stealing money from the under-five and mentally retarded (link). Ahnuld has said that even if all these propositions pass today, Gullyfornia will still be $15.4 billion in the hole. If they don't (and nobody expects them to), we're in the dogpit for about $21.3 billion.

Now, what does Gullyfornia going belly up actually mean? Is it like if I couldn't pay my rent and my son-of-Satan building management company sends those tall Terminator-looking cops with the buzzcuts and the wraparound sunglasses over to throw me and my aging furniture into the street? Or is it the usual situation where college professors with thick-rimmed glasses and funny names get all worked up on the news (and when are they not doing that) but that's about it? Well, I don't know yet. But I have recently become privy to some information that is helping connect the dots for me.

- Apparently California has the worst bond rating of all the 52 states. I'm still not 100% sure what a bond is, but it definitely sounds important, and our bonds are worth less than, like, North Dakota right now. That can't be good.
- Mayor Villaillarairaigogogogosa has suggested privatising Los Angeles' parking meters, a.k.a. he's begging a big company to buy them off the government. And last I heard, parking tickets take care of at least half of L.A.'s budget. So that can't be good either.
- San Quentin is for sale. The land, not the prison. Apparently rich people like oceanside views, so I think the idea is to demolish the building, stuff as many child murderers as possible into all those extra beds we have at all our other prisons, let a few of the child maimers and child assaulters go, and sell the land to developers so Oakland Unified can get those paper clips after all. Hopefully child maimers don't like oceanside views too, or the Watsons may have some unexpected houseguests when they finally move into their brand new San Quentin beachhouse in 2012. Hopefully they'll have a bucket handy.

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