"The true gentleman is friendly, but not familiar." - CONFUCIUS

Monday, July 20, 2009


DO YOU SLEEP IN A DUMPSTER? If your answer is yes, then the current economic ‘downfizz’ is definitely impacting your life. It is possible that you’ve been a jobless loser since well before Alan Greenspan went from looking old and smug to just old in pictures, but we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, until the state starts taxing that too, then we’ll need it back, with interest. But that’s only the most extreme case. Many of us still have roofs over our heads that aren’t made of cardboard, and for us the crunch is manifesting itself in more subtle ways. I sat down and came up with six of the most common telltale symptoms, because I have a lot of free time on my hands these days.

YOU’RE CLEANING YOUR PLACE A LOT. I guess it doesn’t hurt to put a coaster under that book on the coffee table. I suppose everyone should sweep their roof at least once. And I can’t remember the last time I pulled the buttons off my computer keyboard and blew the breadcrumbs out from under the space bar either. A clean home makes you look good, and if you do get evicted, it makes moving out so much faster.

YOU’RE EXPLORING HOBBIES. You crochet, eh? Who knew? Duct tape origami? I guess it takes all kinds. Extreme ironing? More power to you. On that note, feel free to come iron my clothes anytime you run out of rumpled threads. Job-hunting is time-consuming. I'll bring you back an application from Old Navy or something.

YOU’RE DRINKING A LOT. We’re not saying you didn’t usually have a rum and coke with breakfast before you got laid off. And The Unfamiliar supports daytime drinking under any circumstances. It's just those empty beer bottles beside the toilet that are bothering us. And hassling the drive-thru cashier at McDonalds about getting a liquor license is a waste of even your time, frankly.

YOU’RE WORKING OUT A LOT. Check out Freddie Fitness heaving away on the sideways row! Get a load of Wilma Workout on the elliptical! Again, this is a great thing. Your increase in exercise will hopefully help you sweat out all that liquor. And you know the saying: ‘prevention beats a cure’. Or is it ‘a gym membership is cheaper than health insurance’? I forget. Anyway, your ankles look great.

YOU’RE AT HOME A LOT. Man, I had the WHOLE BLOCK. All three red properties, all three yellow properties, all hoteled up. But then I screwed up and gave him a permanent pass in exchange for Pennsylvania Avenue. He had like thirteen bucks! I’m getting his ass tomorrow. Can we just leave the board here on the table? Nobody’s gonna mess with it, right?

YOU’RE BLOGGING. Blow it out your ass. You'll have your own in a week, tops.